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Let Them Eat Cake

Written May 2023

This week, a particularly galling invitation was extended to the British people, from the Archbishop of Canterbury. In his infinite wokey-wisdom, the leader of the Church of England announced that, included in the ridiculous and flamboyant King’s Coronation ceremony, will be a ‘Homage of the People’, whereby the public are being asked to join in with a pledge of allegiance to Charles, that goes like this: “I swear that I will pay true allegiance to Your Majesty, and to your heirs and successors according to law. So help me God”, followed by “God save King Charles. Long live King Charles. May The King live forever”. Personally, I would rather lick piss off nettles than utter these hideous words, but maybe that’s just me.

So, while the cost of living continues to rise, and foodbank usage among ‘the people’ is soaring, taxpayers are footing an enormous bill for the lavish celebrations for King Charles, estimated to be around £100 million. When his mother died last year, Charles inherited around £500 million in personal assets alone, on which he was not obliged to pay inheritance tax, and quite separately from the Crown Estate’s £15 billion worth. And yet, it is British taxpayers, vast numbers of them currently unable to meet the most basic of monthly expenses, who are on the hook for the cost of this inordinately expensive, ego-massaging show, designed to remind ‘the people’ that they are the plebs. Marie Antoinette herself would be impressed, had she not already been beheaded by ‘the people’. The great royal tradition of shitting on ‘the people’ being upheld, and not a guillotine in sight.

Just to really hammer home the us / them divide, Charles will ride in a solid gold carriage to his coronation ceremony, and will then sit on a priceless Coronation Chair, holding the sovereign’s sceptre and rod, which, according to tradition, represents his control of the nation. The ceremony will then be followed by an extended weekend of ‘celebrations’ for the newly-crowned hypocrite, at vast expense, involving lavish food and wine. Incidentally, one of the official dishes on the coronation menu is a Ken Hom lamb recipe. Odd that, given that Charles and his pals at the World Economic Forum have warned us filthy, parasitic humans that eating meat is catastrophic for the environment, and that we must get used to eating bugs. Not at the palace though, eh?

There is so much that is objectionable about this entire farce that it feels like a provocation towards revolution, and yet instead the bunting is already flapping in the breeze everywhere you look, silly hats and cheap plastic flags are flying off the shelves of Poundland, and M&S cannot restock their patriotic Coronation Cuvée English Sparkling Wine fast enough. Of course, for weeks after the event, said bunting and other sundry plastic tat will hang limply from garden gates, shop fronts, and pub gardens, prior to being unceremoniously dumped in landfill or ending up in the oceans. One might imagine that Charles, the self-professed eco-warrior, would take exception to such devastating environmental pollution in his name. But no siree! Double standards are the name of the game (see above note regarding meat eating).

It is astonishing to see the level of support this unbelievably outdated circus is receiving from ‘the people’. There are already staunch royalists camping outside Buckingham Palace, braving the elements (a bit of that famous ‘global warming’ that Charles loves to bang on about wouldn’t go amiss, eh?) simply to get a closer glimpse of the man, ignorant of the fact that their actions prove complicity in their own slavery. Herein, though, lies the problem. The indoctrination of the population is deeply embedded in our culture. From a young age, children are taught, through pageantry and press, that somehow, without the need to prove their merit, or their fitness for the job, simply by accident of birth, some people are worth more than others. It is a sickening message, and flies in the face of democracy. No member of the royal family has known a day’s hardship, nor the fear of wondering where the money to pay the bills is going to come from. Royal commentators speak of the Queen’s ‘tireless work’, and Charles’ ‘incredible work ethic’, none of which stand up to scrutiny, when you consider what their ‘work’ entails. Do they suffer a stuffy, hot tube to get to their place of work? Do they wake, exhausted from childcare, the school run, and laundry loads, before facing the traffic enroute to the office? Do they grab a Tesco Meal Deal in the five minutes between meetings, and spend the afternoon with indigestion, before the gruelling commute home? Do they bollocks. They are chauffeured and private-jetted around, from one banquet to the next, shaking a few hands, and making a few speeches, and even then, teams of people are on hand, to prepare everything for them, to the minutest detail. And, to make life even easier, there are swarms of doctors, cooks, personal trainers, nannies, to name but a few of the domestic staff who are at their disposal. Sounds unbearable, doesn’t it?

And yet, royalists abound among ‘the people’, and occasions like this never fail to bring out the patriot in some of the poorest of people. Like cult members, prostrating themselves in front of their leader, folk up and down the country are willing to sacrifice their dignity, and cheer, weep and sing in misguided celebration and solidarity with a family who they will never meet or know, and who see ‘their subjects’ as nothing more than worm food. If you believe that the royal family value their ‘subjects’ in any way, I’m afraid you are an idiot. Simply labelling us as ‘subjects’ tells us all we need to know. To be a subject means to be ‘a person under the authority or control of another’. No thanks.

In what could be described as an optimistic move, The Telegraph website currently boasts a ‘Your Messages to King Charles III’ link, where ‘the people’ are able to share messages to the anointed one. Presumably these messages are being heavily monitored before appearing on the page. I wonder how many have had to be rejected from publication for pointing out some uncomfortable truths. There is much that could be thrown by way of criticism at the man we are being asked to pledge our allegiance to. The shady circumstances surrounding his first wife’s death is your starter for ten. Oh, and don’t forget who one of his besties was: the one and only…Sir Jimmy Savile. Birds of a feather, as the saying goes?

I’m not sure if this ridiculous piece of theatre called the coronation involves Charles signing anything, but if it does, let’s hope that the pen isn’t leaking.“Oh god I hate this [pen]! I can't bear this bloody thing, what they do, every stinking time.” These were his words back in September when a pen had the audacity to leak ink onto his fingers, spoken as he handed the troublesome object to his wife. Hmm. Clearly a man of maturity, dignity, and charm. Still, it’s his party, he can cry if he wants to – like a stroppy toddler. Pledge your allegiance, if you must, I will not be pledging mine. #notmyking

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